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I have had troubles with friends, and I just want to put it behind us. But they still do mean stuff 2 me and that. I could just forget them, but well I thought we were friends but now I'm not sure-plz help me!☺

asked Jul 22 '11 at 22:07

crazy%20J's gravatar image

crazy J

Having to deal with other people isn't easy, and the closer to you emotionally those others are the harder it can be. This can be especially rough when you're young and have fewer life experiences to reflect on and use as sources of consolation, but it's not easy for anyone, no matter their age.

Friends can be a source of great comfort and companionship when they want to be, and they can be a source of deep hurt and confusion when they chose to become mean or lose their interest in being your friend. Some friendships that you deeply value may mean little to the other person. That's going to be true in every relationship we have. We can know our own feelings about another, but we can never be certain what their true feelings are for us. With good friends and spouses communication is the key to keeping abreast of our feelings for one another. But sometimes casual friends don't communicate often enough or well enough to avoid potential misunderstandings. There's also a danger in sharing your deep feelings with someone who might use that information against you, to embarrass you or to make themselves feel superior to you.

I don't like giving advice, especially to someone I don't know very well, but I don't mind telling you how I've learned to deal with situations like this, and continue to deal with them in my doddering old age.

First I had to get to know myself well. I had to come to terms and achieve a level of comfort with both my accomplishments and failures. I had to assess the strengths and weaknesses in my character. I learned that sometimes I tried to make friends with people I knew weren't going to treat me well or value our friendship. I learned instead to get to know these types but to never get close to them and to not invest much in our "friendship". Those I found to be willing to reciprocate my friendship I learned to trust, slowly and tentatively at first and more as we got to know one another better. But still I have to always remember that friends can move away, they can die, they can change, and there's little I can do about it. All I really can do is monitor my reactions and act reasonably and honestly. It takes a certain strength of character to let someone know how their negative actions or words have impacted us and then to walk away from that damaged relationship. In rare cases I've even found that such honesty and openness can strengthen a friendship that seemed doomed before.

One of the most valuable lessons I've learned from failed friendships is how I want to treat my friends. They have provided me with a standard for friendship. It could be summed up by the golden rule, but it's not always as easy as it seems it should be.

I wish I could tell you it gets better, but I suspect you'll find that life gets both better and worse. I can say that as you accumulate more life experiences things like this will make more sense in the context of your whole life. You'll see them less as isolated incidents and more as frequent tests of your character and resolve to have positive and rewarding friendships.

There is no guarantee that life will always be pleasant, fair and joyful. It's unrealistic to expect it to be. But even when life goes to hell in one aspect, if you look around and refuse to become obsessed with what's going wrong, you'll likely notice that another part of your life is amazing and wonderful. One friend may stab you to the heart but another may offer understanding and consolation.

As far as I know we each get one life, one shot at enjoying everything a life has to offer. Becoming fixated on the dark and painful will rob a life of joy and value. Likewise ignoring everything unpleasant and pretending that life is completely good and charming keeps a person from experiencing things that challenge and build their character, that make them a whole person. It's our experiences, both good and bad, both beneficial and detrimental, that go into making us complete and well-rounded individuals.

I wish you well, crazy J. Keep looking for the good people, the ones who deserve your friendship. Don't share yourself with those who aren't willing to invest as much as you do in a friendship. That's all the advice I can offer.

answered Jul 23 '11 at 00:25

Jeber's gravatar image


Well it depends on what 'mean stuff' means. I mean if It's harmless joking you could tell them that your tired of their sht. Every group of friends messes with each other but if they are being real dcks then confront them and if they still don't stop, find new friends.

answered Jul 23 '11 at 00:04

hansring's gravatar image


Friends tease each other, and stop when they know it's no longer funny. Bullies torment people and don't stop even when they know it's hurting the person. The important thing (and hardest thing, in my opinion) is figuring out if someone is really a friend or if they're just using you as someone they can pick on. If you ask someone to stop teasing and they don't, just tell them you're not going to tolerate their bullying and to have a nice life. Good luck, and remember that you're always going to find friends who will love you.

answered Jul 23 '11 at 02:37

WinfieldTodd's gravatar image


I've had "friends" like that. They're not friends! If you have other friends, hang out with them more.

answered Jul 23 '11 at 02:30

zman's gravatar image


well i think u should use this as a learning curb in ur life and when ur older have kids tell them ur storey to help prevent things from happeneing to them so keep in the back of ur mind.And definatyely find new frinds xoxoxo

answered Jul 30 '11 at 19:40

NaNaluvsAcintaJ's gravatar image


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Asked: Jul 22 '11 at 22:07

Seen: 1,315 times

Last updated: Jul 30 '11 at 19:40